Why we won’t take the lettuce out of our teeth
Has a friend of yours ever pointed out that you had a piece of lettuce stuck in your teeth?
How did you feel? Embarrassed? Thankful?
What did you do next? Did you immediately work on removing it, or did you leave it there?
In this scenario, most people are grateful to receive direct feedback, and are quick to make corrections. But when it comes to our daily behaviors and interactions, why aren’t we so quick to remove the metaphoric lettuce from our teeth?
Quality of Feedback
“You’re doing fine”
“Keep up the good work”
“You’re a jerk to the people you work with”
“You really blew it on that project”
“…”
One challenge we have is that the quality of feedback given is poor, if it’s given at all. If it’s positive, it’s vague and doesn’t identify important strengths or actions. If it’s constructive, it’s non-specific and doesn’t provide a clear rationale or course for correction.
Many models for quality feedback exist, and when practiced, they provide a genuine opportunity to leverage strengths and corral weaknesses. These models have the following elements in common:
SPECIFIC – the feedback references specific events and actions, and provides examples
BEHAVIORAL – the feedback addresses actions, not personality traits (“you did…,” not “you are…”)
IMPACT – the feedback includes the perceived impact of the action, positive or negative, and makes a strong case for how and why the action led to that result
NEXT STEPS – if the feedback is positive, the implied – or explicit – next step is typically for more of the positive action; for negative feedback, the next step should explicitly communicate a different action, and the alternative result that the new action will produce
Quantity of Feedback
Most people aren’t comfortable giving feedback. They say things like, “I’m not the boss, that’s not my job,” or “he won’t listen anyway, so why bother.”
The problem with these attitudes is they deny the would-be recipient with any opportunity to change. We can’t see the lettuce in our own teeth, and if no one is willing to speak up, it’s going to stay there.
Many of us struggle to provide positive feedback too. It often feels obsequious, and we worry that people will think we’re setting them up for a request, or trying to balance an inevitable negative comment (the “feedback sandwich” isn’t very healthy).
One of my best friends always amazes me with his ability to deliver positive feedback. If we sit down to eat at a restaurant, his first words to the waiter are typically to ask his or her name, and then to deliver a simple and authentic compliment. He is quick to find strengths in others, and lets them know when he sees these strengths. There is no request, no follow up comment – he simply points out and appreciates the good he sees in people. When I asked him about it, he told me about a mentor who helped him start the habit, and encouraged frequent, deliberate practice.
I remember my advisor in graduate school – she was outstanding at delivering positive and constructive feedback that was direct, but also natural and comfortable. When I asked her about it, she said she practiced every day, at work and at home. It was a skill that she had built through deliberate practice, and she was now capable and willing to provide frequent, quality feedback.
One of the main reasons we don’t all give (and consequently, receive) more feedback, is because we’re not always comfortable doing it. But the best way to get more comfortable is to just do it – positive feedback makes a great playground for practice. So practice, reflect, get better, and do it some more.
Our reaction to Feedback
Have you ever pointed out the lettuce in a friend’s teeth, and her response was, “no, you’re wrong,” or “whatever, I’ll just leave it there”?
Ironically, this is often how we react to feedback about things that are much more important than remnants of lunch.
Our work behaviors are closely tied to our sense of what works, what is most effective, and the best way to do things. This means that when we receive feedback to the contrary, our self-esteem can take a hit.
Our working behaviors are also complicated, subtle, and open to interpretation, which makes it easy to rationalize, argue, and explain away any feedback that suggests we aren’t quite as effective as we thought.
This isn’t to say that everyone else has a crystal clear perspective of us, and that our own self-perspective is a clouded muddle. We have to remember though, that those around us can usually see the lettuce in our teeth a lot better than we can.
I have found this to work well: I try to shift my perspective to assume that at least 10% of what I believe about myself is wrong. This way, when I receive constructive feedback that doesn’t conform to my view of myself, I don’t have to fight the battle of my self-esteem wanting to reject any comment that doesn’t conform to my self-perception. Instead, I can focus my thoughts on critically analyzing whether the feedback is part of that 10% of myself that I assume I’m wrong about, and focus my energy on what I want to do about it.
Feedback is a critical component to maximizing performance. So let’s get more comfortable telling people about the lettuce in their teeth, and be willing to take it out of our own.
